I Have a Wife!

Here's the thing: So I'm soiling my consciousness with the news-mcnuggets that spew out of AOL's daily hole and I see a real choice tidbit. Entitled "I Have a Wife!", the story is about this land whale of a man, quite simply, getting married. There is a series of photographs that accompany the article. The event seemed quite elegant, actually. From the pictures of "Jabba" being loaded onto the decorative flat-bed truck, to a picture of the sorriest mattress in the world, it reminded me of Charles and Lady Di in the early eighties. It was really that classy of an affair. How many blushing brides have the rare and delightful privelege of witnessing their intended being delivered on a truck? Also, the pictures of this seven-hundred-pound-land-monster pulling itself out of the most strained looking bed I've ever seen, are also really choice. This guy finally found the one. Thank God! I'm not married, my friends aren't married, I don't even know what married people are like, and this walking meat bag has the nerve to betroth himself to someone. What's worse, the bride is sort of normal looking, and she claims she loves him. Great. Terrific. I don't know any women, and I don't impress the ones I meet, but somehow this broad was able to look past all his weight. Must have been hard to look past all of it, I mean, it takes up a lot of space. Maybe he's got money. I mean, he would sort of have to. Maybe he's a terrific cook. I could see that. Go China! McCain in '08! Tax breaks for the rich! Wives for all the obscenely fat dudes! There is justice!

The Worst Disney Movie Ever Made

Here's the thing. I just love it that Sarah Palin's wardrobe cost one hundred fifty thousand american dollars. Not Monopoly money, not yen, not rubles, not cents. One hundred fifty thousand dollars. That is just terrific. So did she get that money from the sale of stock, or from hard earned dollars saved over time? Maybe her drunken puppet of a husband gave her the money from his oh-so-lucrative snowmobile racing career. Nope. She let Big White Republican Daddy buy them for her. (Incidentally, anyone who is involved in a sport ending in the phrase, "-mobile racing", is a total douchehammer-assholeface.) What I like best about these revelations, is that Miss Palin comes off looking totally responsible. Hey, we're in a financial crisis. Conspicuous consumption, anyone?

Also, I'd like to say this. Class warfair sounds just fine. I'll be at this bitch's house with a quickness when I need something to burn for warmth.

One of her asshole children has a seven-hundred dollar purse, and has been photographed toting it. Why? Well, how can you tell yourself from poor people without expensive, frivolous things?

Let's all get out and vote for the ticket that has the oldest and richest and most intolerant candidates. I mean, if they weren't better than the rest of us, wouldn't we have nice things too? We'll just have to make do with eating, and keeping the lights on. But God in Heaven forbid that a little sharing the wealth goes on. And that's what it has really come down to for the Republican ticket isn't it? They say that Sen. Obama, if elected, will take more of the rich's money in taxation, and then redistribute it. Like that is a bad thing? Where in Hell did you rich fuckstains think you got all that money? I'll tell you where. Off our backs. Guess what, it's time to pay the check. And the best part is, you can afford it.

The Goiter, his Eskimo Cunt, and Joe the Plumber

Here's the thing: Fuck Joe the Plumber. This piece of shit. He is upset with Senator Obama's tax plan because he has been working this job for ten to twelve years and now he wants to BUY OUT the company he works for and he plans to waste his vote on the Goiter and his Eskimo whore. This asshole, we'll call him "Joe", has had this sweet job for over a decade. We know for a fact that its sweet because he has saved enough dough to be able to think about buying out the company he works for. Well, shit, lets keep feeding the kids, the mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters in to the Middle East Meat Grinder because fucking Joe the Plumber wants to put a pool into his backyard next summer. I got news for you, Joe. Your needs are not the most pressing. Yeah, yeah, everybody has a different persective. Yeah, yeah, the midwest, the old, the religious. Fuck all that. There IS a heirarchy of needs in this country and Joe the Fucking Pipe Wrench Jockey's are not at the top. And that is right. That is as it should be. Call it class warfare. Fine. I mean where does this asshole get off?! Is this the person we should let be a discussion point in the last debate before the most important election of our generation? By the way, Joe, nice sweaty nike shirt. Way to dress up to talk to the future President of the United States. Couldn't even wear a tie, huh? Thanks for showing up.

I got three people living in a one-bedroom apartment. I got multiple collection agencies calling me on a daily, one of which on the behest of a hospital. I eat peanut butter for Meal at least three times a week. I call it Meal because I only usually eat once a day: Meal. We're lucky the lights and internet stay on because I find it more and more difficult to pay the fucking utilities working the three jobs I have and never get any hours from. We are spiraling quickly into another-by-God-depression, we are in two different wars, the whole world hates us, and the one guy that might be able to turn this whole shitty mess around and out, wants to tax the asshole rich a little to do it. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Joe the Plumber is worried about what is gonna happen if he gets moved into a higher tax bracket. Everybody is so worried about Joe the Plumber. Joe Six-Pack. Joe Average Guy. FUCK HIM, and everybody that looks like him. I'm Joe America, and I'm fucking dying out here.

John McCain accused Barak Obama of engaging in class warfare with his tax polocies. When I hear or see pod-people like Joe the Plumber speak, I think to myself: Fine. War it is. We are at war. And when or if the actual revolution comes down, I know where I'm going first with my gasoline cocktails, my sawed-off, and my machete. Joe the Fucking Asshole Douchehammer Plumber's house.

John McCain talks a lot about how Americans are feeling. John McCain talks about how we want change. John McCain voted with the current administration ninety percent of the time. I've seen the video clip of him saying this last fact proudly. Here's the thing, John McCain: You don't know me. And you should count yourself lucky.