I Have a Wife!

Here's the thing: So I'm soiling my consciousness with the news-mcnuggets that spew out of AOL's daily hole and I see a real choice tidbit. Entitled "I Have a Wife!", the story is about this land whale of a man, quite simply, getting married. There is a series of photographs that accompany the article. The event seemed quite elegant, actually. From the pictures of "Jabba" being loaded onto the decorative flat-bed truck, to a picture of the sorriest mattress in the world, it reminded me of Charles and Lady Di in the early eighties. It was really that classy of an affair. How many blushing brides have the rare and delightful privelege of witnessing their intended being delivered on a truck? Also, the pictures of this seven-hundred-pound-land-monster pulling itself out of the most strained looking bed I've ever seen, are also really choice. This guy finally found the one. Thank God! I'm not married, my friends aren't married, I don't even know what married people are like, and this walking meat bag has the nerve to betroth himself to someone. What's worse, the bride is sort of normal looking, and she claims she loves him. Great. Terrific. I don't know any women, and I don't impress the ones I meet, but somehow this broad was able to look past all his weight. Must have been hard to look past all of it, I mean, it takes up a lot of space. Maybe he's got money. I mean, he would sort of have to. Maybe he's a terrific cook. I could see that. Go China! McCain in '08! Tax breaks for the rich! Wives for all the obscenely fat dudes! There is justice!